Tagged: friends

The Faults of a Friend

The only thing I hate more than your passing itself is that you are now forever labeled a drug addict. A drug addict doesn’t get sympathy from strangers. A drug addict’s family and friends aren’t consoled in the same way had the person died a different way. No one cares to hear about anything else a drug addict did with their life, if they tried getting help, or if they were on the right path. It’s all irrelevant because drugs killed them–addiction killed them–not something “tragic” like cancer or a car crash.

But a drug addict was not my friend. Kevin was my friend. The funny, caring, sorta-hippie, smart kid was my friend. I met you as Sober Kevin. The dude at work that I thought was awkwardly straight-edge. The guy that agreed to go for a beer after his year off everything, and had a hilariously low tolerance—he was my friend. The one that we could all count on to go to Norse with, host a bonfire, or go to concerts and bounce around without a care in the world. Kevin.

As time went on, sure you had your faults, as we all do. You never did any wrong to me, but I saw it happening to others that were close to me. Because of that, I withdrew. That’s when the Kevin I knew was turning into someone else. Your actions will never be justified, but that’s what addiction does to a person.

There are people that will never forgive you, people that already have, and those that feel guilty for not being the person to save you. I have nothing to forgive you for, but I don’t feel guilty because I know you would’ve asked for help if you wanted it. You were doing what you wanted to do. You’d snap out of it eventually. I mean…you did before. You just needed time.

Too many people will only ever remember you as the drug addict or the asshole, and it’s not fair. You were so much more than that. Never in a million years did I expect to cry over you, Kev. So I just hope that when you slipped into the darkness, you were comfortable. I hope it felt really fucking good.

Rest easy, my friend.

 (I bet you have that smirk on your face right about now—so you better get ready to be slapped by all of us down here when we see you in the next life.)

 

 

Unsettled Mind

It is with deep regret that I write this, but I feel it helpful. With the passing of a friend, one cannot help but think of life and all of the unanswered questions and unsettled minds. I certainly can’t say I knew him as well as most, or that I have even seen him often the last several months, but I never took for granted the time we did spend together. It’s safe to say he was my first new friend since moving to Chicago. He was one of the most giving, caring, selfless people I have ever known, which makes his passing all the more confusing. Why do great people get taken so young? It can’t be that they already fulfilled their greatness, as some of the best people I know are in/past their 70’s. With life comes death, naturally, but the timing couldn’t be more frustrating. He isn’t the first I have lost, and certainly not the last. I’m sure there is nothing to understand about people’s time. I don’t believe it is a matter of “God’s plan” or “everything happens for a reason” because a passing of a friend affects too many people to justify that. “Fair” is not a term to ever describe a death in any situation. All I know is that he is in many people’s hearts forever, and he is already dearly and deeply missed. He was truly one of a kind. (As were his grilled cheese sandwiches.)

I know I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people, yet knowing it will all seem the same when we reconvene. This time, I’m too late. I know I need to reach out to everyone who is or has been in my life sooner than later. I know Jason is forgiving and wouldn’t have thought of it any different than I, but regret is a natural (and quick) emotion. If you’re a friend reading this, hopefully I’ll be talking to you soon.

I do have to mention I have great people in my life offering sympathy and support during this time. I hope everyone who knew Jason has the same support, or can find it in the rest of us this week. I only wish the best for all of his other friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and most importantly–his family. As sad as I am, I am also calm and 100% certain he is at peace.  A great person was taken, but he is with all of us and I’m confident we will all see him again.

Rest in Peace, Jason.