Tagged: life

The Faults of a Friend

The only thing I hate more than your passing itself is that you are now forever labeled a drug addict. A drug addict doesn’t get sympathy from strangers. A drug addict’s family and friends aren’t consoled in the same way had the person died a different way. No one cares to hear about anything else a drug addict did with their life, if they tried getting help, or if they were on the right path. It’s all irrelevant because drugs killed them–addiction killed them–not something “tragic” like cancer or a car crash.

But a drug addict was not my friend. Kevin was my friend. The funny, caring, sorta-hippie, smart kid was my friend. I met you as Sober Kevin. The dude at work that I thought was awkwardly straight-edge. The guy that agreed to go for a beer after his year off everything, and had a hilariously low tolerance—he was my friend. The one that we could all count on to go to Norse with, host a bonfire, or go to concerts and bounce around without a care in the world. Kevin.

As time went on, sure you had your faults, as we all do. You never did any wrong to me, but I saw it happening to others that were close to me. Because of that, I withdrew. That’s when the Kevin I knew was turning into someone else. Your actions will never be justified, but that’s what addiction does to a person.

There are people that will never forgive you, people that already have, and those that feel guilty for not being the person to save you. I have nothing to forgive you for, but I don’t feel guilty because I know you would’ve asked for help if you wanted it. You were doing what you wanted to do. You’d snap out of it eventually. I mean…you did before. You just needed time.

Too many people will only ever remember you as the drug addict or the asshole, and it’s not fair. You were so much more than that. Never in a million years did I expect to cry over you, Kev. So I just hope that when you slipped into the darkness, you were comfortable. I hope it felt really fucking good.

Rest easy, my friend.

 (I bet you have that smirk on your face right about now—so you better get ready to be slapped by all of us down here when we see you in the next life.)

 

 

The 5 Movies You Should Actually Watch After a Breakup

I recently did a search on movies to watch after/during a breakup. They all had the same set of movies and honestly, I disagree with most of them. They’re all movies about relationships failing. That’s not what I want to watch. Relationships are the last thing I want to think about. The point of watching a movie right now is to forget about things and enjoy sitting alone (even though alone is the last thing I want to be.) Funny movies sound like a good option, but sometimes imagining having to sit there and be amused sounds, well, not so great. (I also have this odd fear of watching a funny movie I love when I’m down and never being able to love it again.) So here’s MY list of movies to watch and why.

1. Shrink. (2009).

Why: This has been one of my favorite movies for a few years now. It’s my go-to  “Help, I feel helpless” movie. It shows stories about multiple people (which of course intertwine at some point or another) and their struggles. A couple of the characters are dealing with death, and the reason why I can love it is because breakups sort of feel like your significant other died. It does indeed make me cry, but not in the “I will never be happy again” kind of way.

1. Shrink

2. Ordinary People. (1980).

Why:  This is similar to Shrink in that it makes me cry and the story is based around a death. It portrays real human emotion in multiple ways, and somehow listening to Mary Tyler Moore have a breakdown about something I have never felt makes me feel like I relieved some pent-up emotion I can’t relate to.

2. Ordinary People

3. American Psycho. (2000.)

Why: At least your ex isn’t a psychopath that cut you up. And it’s just a good movie (in the dark sort of way).  While watching the sex scenes might make you feel oddly lonely at first, they make you want to keep yourself together before jumping towards the first guy that wants to take you to dinner, or the first that says says something creepy to you at a bar, or the guy that you think is just being funny but is actually telling the truth.

3. American Psycho

4. Side Effects. (2013).

Why: It follows a woman going through depression, and taking antidepressants. The plot twist, though! The plot twist! It will leave you feeling weird and confused and probably awful–but at least YOU haven’t reached that level. Am I right?! Suspenseful enough to keep you distracted for 100 minutes, disturbing enough to keep you from thinking about anything else the rest of the night.

4. Side Effects

5.  Girl, Interrupted. (1999).

Why: There’s nothing I love more when I’m feeling down than to watch other people doing worse than I am. I can’t be the only one. Plus, we’re talking about Angelina Jolie and Winona Ryder.

5. Girl Interrupted

Now go distract yourself! Be sad if you need to be sad, just don’t go as insane as these beautifully disturbed people 🙂

The Breakup Diet: Heartache the Healthier Way

Going through a breakup is one of the most emotionally draining things life can throw at you. As if things couldn’t be more difficult, you have to worry about food. Yes, WORRY about it. First, there are the somewhat “more expected” over-eaters. Chocolates and cookies and fried everything. Sure, it’s not the healthiest, but it passes. Then there are people like me, who tend to unintentionally stop eating almost all together. It’s not that I don’t WANT to eat… it’s that I CAN’T eat. Sometimes food looks appetizing, and sometimes the idea of eating sounds good, but mostly food looks and smells gross and the idea of putting anything in my twisting stomach sounds painful.

If you absolutely cannot get anything solid down, start with something like SlimFast or a protein shake mix–anything with vitamins and protein to help keep your body functioning. It’s definitely strange to buy a diet drink when you’re already not eating, but you gotta do what you gotta do! Forget about judgments (which were my biggest hurdle buying them). Something is better than nothing.

Take baby steps. Literally. I actually turned to baby food once. I found it disgusting, personally. It’s possible I just chose the wrong flavor? Applesauce and pudding are similar, and meant for adults. But baby food doesn’t have as much sugar, if that’s something you’re worried about.

This part is no surprise–eat SOFT foods. Non-acidic fruits are best, such as bananas. I’m a huge fan of any cereal soaked in milk until it’s all soggy. Honey Nut Cheerios are my favorite, next to Frosted Flakes and Rice Krispies. (They just get soggier faster.) Again, cereals that are too sugary –while at least getting something solid in your stomach–sort of defeats the purpose of trying to stay healthy. Breads and rice are good also. They may sit too heavy as first, but the bland-ness is key.

At first, you probably don’t want to do much of anything, especially spend energy actually preparing food. But once you feel adventurous, it’s nice to get your mind off things by making smoothies. Very small victory, I know. My favorite recipe regardless of circumstances is: 1 banana, spinach, 1 clementine, 5 (ish) strawberries, orange juice, and cranapple juice. Sometimes I add blueberries, blackberries, or grapes. But this is the tastiest way to get some healthy vitamin and minerals and fill you up.

Supplements:

Take a daily multivitamin to keep up with what you’re losing from not eating correctly. Especially if you take one daily anyhow, you’ll need to keep your immune system going!

I recently discovered there is a multivitamin called “Daily Energy” from CVS (maybe others as well) that are amazing! Feeling sluggish happens to everyone–but especially an emotionally-drained and malnourished female. Honestly, I didn’t expect it to do much but from the first mid-day dose I could notice a difference. Life savers!!

I also recently discovered melatonin. I have been having sleep issues the last few weeks regardless, and I wish I knew about this sooner. I knocks me right out when I need it.

Lastly, drink tea! I’m a huge fan of Yogi teas, especially the Kava Stress Relief. There are others such as Relaxed Mind, Bedtime, Calming, Positive Energy, St. John’s Wort Blues Away, Stomach Ease, etc that can help.

So while you’re wallowing in your emotions–which is perfectly acceptable–remember that you still need to function! Your health is the most important thing you have, so you need to keep it. As hard as it is to not care and let your twisting stomach win, at least choose some way to get vitamins into your body until you can eat normally again.

Living life on purpose

This started as a Twitter post, then a Facebook post, and just got entirely too long. 

 

My manager showed the letter of recommendation he wrote for me and I almost cried. It amazes me how highly some people think of me. It gives me even more motivation to get my butt in gear to do awesome things for myself and for others. No more putting shit off to the side. No more saying, “maybe I’ll do it tomorrow” and never doing it. The time is now. I’m already over-booked 7 days of the week but what is life if not crazy? 

My biggest challenge will be getting back in touch with everyone I care about. I live in the same city as so many of my friends and I only see many of them on celebrations, if that. I get so tied up in focusing on myself that I don’t even think to get together with people so close to me. Not to say that I don’t want to. I honestly just sometimes forget I can easily just send a simple text and see some of them. It’s so silly it’s ridiculous. Getting to my Milwaukee friends is a whole different frontier that saddens and stresses me out just thinking about it. The time will come. I made a promise about a July trip, so it will happen! 

As a side note: I had a short talk with a cab driver (of sorts) who’s really into horoscopes. He discovered I’m a Taurus and immediately went on about how Taurus’s need to be more confident and outspoken because we are really sweet, caring, passionate people. He then found out I’m 24 and he went on to tell me things are going to start really changing in my life and I need to embrace it and take life by the reins and not let my “Taurus ways” hold me back. He told me this is my “God period.” Not in the sense that I need to believe in God or start going to church, but in the way that my life is going to start being enlightened in so many ways and it’s my choice to follow it or not. Things happen and I need to act on it, or it’s going to pass me up. I told him I could tell things were headed that way and I totally believe him and cannot wait. 

I’ve been in a constant state of growing for a couple years now, and I finally feel like things are starting to take off. It’s growth-spurt time. I have awesome foundations laid with awesome people, I’ve shown and proven myself to the people I need to, and I’ve been able to point out my own flaws in a way that I’m honestly working towards a solution for. I guess the point of this blog was to find myself, and I lost sight of it for almost 2 months now, for one reason or another. Hopefully, I’ll be posting more often! I took a week long vacation to paradise with my family. Mexico for 6 days, all-inclusive, no phones/computers, and beautiful weather every single day gave me PLENTY of time to think to myself. Now  is when I need to start putting all of those thoughts into action. 

Here goes nothing..

Unsettled Mind

It is with deep regret that I write this, but I feel it helpful. With the passing of a friend, one cannot help but think of life and all of the unanswered questions and unsettled minds. I certainly can’t say I knew him as well as most, or that I have even seen him often the last several months, but I never took for granted the time we did spend together. It’s safe to say he was my first new friend since moving to Chicago. He was one of the most giving, caring, selfless people I have ever known, which makes his passing all the more confusing. Why do great people get taken so young? It can’t be that they already fulfilled their greatness, as some of the best people I know are in/past their 70’s. With life comes death, naturally, but the timing couldn’t be more frustrating. He isn’t the first I have lost, and certainly not the last. I’m sure there is nothing to understand about people’s time. I don’t believe it is a matter of “God’s plan” or “everything happens for a reason” because a passing of a friend affects too many people to justify that. “Fair” is not a term to ever describe a death in any situation. All I know is that he is in many people’s hearts forever, and he is already dearly and deeply missed. He was truly one of a kind. (As were his grilled cheese sandwiches.)

I know I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people, yet knowing it will all seem the same when we reconvene. This time, I’m too late. I know I need to reach out to everyone who is or has been in my life sooner than later. I know Jason is forgiving and wouldn’t have thought of it any different than I, but regret is a natural (and quick) emotion. If you’re a friend reading this, hopefully I’ll be talking to you soon.

I do have to mention I have great people in my life offering sympathy and support during this time. I hope everyone who knew Jason has the same support, or can find it in the rest of us this week. I only wish the best for all of his other friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and most importantly–his family. As sad as I am, I am also calm and 100% certain he is at peace.  A great person was taken, but he is with all of us and I’m confident we will all see him again.

Rest in Peace, Jason.