The Faults of a Friend

The only thing I hate more than your passing itself is that you are now forever labeled a drug addict. A drug addict doesn’t get sympathy from strangers. A drug addict’s family and friends aren’t consoled in the same way had the person died a different way. No one cares to hear about anything else a drug addict did with their life, if they tried getting help, or if they were on the right path. It’s all irrelevant because drugs killed them–addiction killed them–not something “tragic” like cancer or a car crash.

But a drug addict was not my friend. Kevin was my friend. The funny, caring, sorta-hippie, smart kid was my friend. I met you as Sober Kevin. The dude at work that I thought was awkwardly straight-edge. The guy that agreed to go for a beer after his year off everything, and had a hilariously low tolerance—he was my friend. The one that we could all count on to go to Norse with, host a bonfire, or go to concerts and bounce around without a care in the world. Kevin.

As time went on, sure you had your faults, as we all do. You never did any wrong to me, but I saw it happening to others that were close to me. Because of that, I withdrew. That’s when the Kevin I knew was turning into someone else. Your actions will never be justified, but that’s what addiction does to a person.

There are people that will never forgive you, people that already have, and those that feel guilty for not being the person to save you. I have nothing to forgive you for, but I don’t feel guilty because I know you would’ve asked for help if you wanted it. You were doing what you wanted to do. You’d snap out of it eventually. I mean…you did before. You just needed time.

Too many people will only ever remember you as the drug addict or the asshole, and it’s not fair. You were so much more than that. Never in a million years did I expect to cry over you, Kev. So I just hope that when you slipped into the darkness, you were comfortable. I hope it felt really fucking good.

Rest easy, my friend.

 (I bet you have that smirk on your face right about now—so you better get ready to be slapped by all of us down here when we see you in the next life.)

 

 

Friday thoughts

It’s amazing to me how outrageously selfish and nasty people are. Now more than ever, we have technology at our fingertips almost 24/7 in which we can find information; information on how to better ourselves, our communities, and our world. Yet, there seem to be 3 major groups of people:

  1. those that actively do good and try to make a change around them for the better;
  2. those that use their capabilities to harm others, just so they can get what they want, those that steal, murder, and/or make others miserable in the general;
  3. those that may or may not have good intentions, but do nothing with the power they are given by endless information available to us.

The 3rd type of person might as well be at bad at the 2nd. Sure, these people do not actively create problems, but they do not create solutions. No one person can create world peace, and no group of people can create it overnight, but we have so many resources! So many ways to make a difference, even just to 1 person. The right amount of compassion spreads like dandelions! If you’re sick and saddened by continuous news stories about mass shootings at schools and places of worship,  genocide in other countries, sexism, racism, the number of homeless people in America, the number of children who go without food or education, animals being hunted into extinction, people dying of preventable illnesses, etc, etc, (Jon Stewart did a fantastic job at describing America right now.) then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

  • Join an activist group to get others involved
  • Volunteer your time for a cause you care about in your community
  • Sponsor a child in your country so he/she can go to school and eat properly
  • Buy food and water for the next homeless person you pass, sleeping on the street
  • Boycott products and brands
  • Simply smile and say, “Thank you” to the next waiter/waitress/bartender that serves you
  • Simply smile and say, “Hello” to the next person you pass on the street
  • Help the person that just dropped their groceries and are terribly embarrassed

There are SO many ways to give back that don’t cost you a penny or even a second of your spare time. No one could have realistically stopped any of these people that decide to open fire in schools, religious gatherings, or movie theaters, but we can absolutely help to prevent today’s children from growing up so disturbed. We can help people with depression, bipolar disorder, and other mental illnesses just by caring. We can help families in need by being aware and less selfish.

There will always be that 2nd group of people that steal, murder, and do awful things, but if we combine the 1st and 3rd groups, we will outrank. Stop just “thinking” about volunteering next week. Do it. Don’t feel sorry for the homeless person on your way home from the bar, drop off a bottle of water and a granola bar by their pillow. Encourage your friend with depression to go talk to counselor. Just do something–big or small in impact.

We’ve all heard this since we were babies, “A little bit goes a long way.”

Believe in it. Live by it. Love by it.

The Birth of Counterculture, pg 27

“Unlike religion, which promised paradise after death, advertising promised paradise right around the next corner: through purchase of a new car, a suburban home or a labor-saving appliance. Consumer goods had become the new opiate of the people.”

From “Nation of Rebels” by Heath and Potter.

Quote from “The Obstacle is the Way”

“Our actions can be constrained, but our will can’t be. Our plans–even our bodies–can be broken. But belief in ourselves? No matter how many times we are thrown back, we alone retain the power to decide to go once more. Or to try another route. Or, at the very least, to accept this reality and decide upon a new aim. Determination, if you think about it, is invincible … Hold on and hold steady.” -Ryan Holiday

This Is My Depression

Depression is a constant tight-knit battle within myself. I’m on medication for my second time, and probably always will be. Most of the time, I feel good. Most of the time I’m content with what I do. I have a stable job, an amazing opportunity for schooling, a nice family and amazing friends, I give back to the community and people close to me, I know how to handle situations well, and I have a good home with good roommates. I’d even say I’m brag-worthy…most of the time. Other times, I go days without even looking at myself in the mirror. 

This is my depression. The unbearable thought of even looking at myself. The sudden burst of tears out of nowhere, and the undeniable desire to stay in bed for forever. People who say that “depression does not define you” are wrong. Depression is a part of me. A huge part of me, actually. I’ve been told it’s because I have such a big heart, that I let so much in all the time, and that it’s not a bad thing. I’m ok with this. You can’t be happy if you’ve never been sad. But depression is completely forgetting what happiness is, or was. It engulfs every part of my being. 

It starts on the surface of my skin, makes it’s way through my muscles to the bones, then to my brain, my heart, my lungs, my eyes. Being awake is fine, what is not fine is being out of my home, or even out of my bed. When it hits, gravity seems so heavy all of the sudden. Standing up hurts, sitting in a chair hurts, all of my clothes are heavy and my eyelids follow suit. My shoulders feel like I’m wearing a book-bag filled with every book I own. My shoes are heavy on my feet and my legs struggle to pick them up. My chest and head feel just as heavy to carry.

Sometimes I cry over nothing at all, sometimes over everything in life. Sometimes all it takes is a good hug from the right person and suddenly I go from fine to holding back tears. I don’t ever see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I always keep walking through the tunnel. I slow down, but I never stop.

This is the tricky part of my depression. I tell people I’m close to about it, and that I’m on antidepressants and that I see a therapist or counselor when I can. Without fail, I am asked about suicidal thoughts or actions. Never. I have never thought about dying any time soon. I never have. It’s a rare occasion when someone believes that. Depression is given the rep that “if you’re depressed, you don’t want to live, and you want to kill yourself.” Nope. Not even a little bit. Not ever. I have always wanted to be alive, to make a difference in the world, to have a family and a house and car and pets. It’s just, so…heavy. Heavy in ways I cannot explain in a way that would make sense to anyone who has not experienced it.

My depression is the big fleece blanket and soft pillow that wants to keep me in one spot, all alone. My depression is the thing I see out of the corner of my eye that I swear I just saw, but when I turn my head I can’t see it. Sometimes it hides for a couple hours, sometimes for a few weeks. I can’t ever see it, but I know it’s there. Like a spider from the corner, it will show face and crawl right in front of me sooner or later.

It always comes back, unannounced and unwanted. I have tried to smash it, and others have tried to help. But depression is a part of my definition. There is the strong-willed, intelligent, big-hearted, giggly Jenny; then there’s the other Jenny, the one that’s anxious, tends to interrupt good flows, gets in the way of plans, and  hides away from people.

This is my depression. I can’t just *be* in a better mood because I want it. I’m not crying because of you. I’m not ignoring you for any other reason.

My depression is the most selfish form of, “It’s not you…it’s me.”

Detroit Water Shut-offs

Detroit’s Water Shut-offs

This absolutely disgusts me. “Ethnic/economic cleansing” makes me want to vomit. I am all for conserving resources and making people pay for services, but not when it comes down to theoretically killing off your own citizens. Especially when giant corporations aren’t paying for their water usage. Many of these companies don’t even pay government taxes!! We have already seen the damage of the economic downturn of Detroit years ago…why worsen it? This will spiral into an increase in homelessness and poverty. The solution isn’t to give free water to low-income families, because as stated, it would indeed hurt the city overall. Income-based payment is an option! Whoa! Of course, people who make a stupid amount of money will complain. But no one asks to be homeless. No one asks to not be able to bathe or eat regularly. Shit happens! Develop programs for people to participate in. Believe in good will. Believe in community. Stop being selfish.

I still stand by a statement I told my family when I was in grade school–when talks of the Mayan calendar were starting, and the war on terrorism was starting: “A 3rd World War or Mother Nature won’t be what kills off the population. Greed will.” (…and my parents are still baffled by my thoughts and actions! They should have seen it coming!)

New Direction

Over a year ago (maybe even 2 years?), I started this blog in hopes of sharing my crafting and cooking and whatever else. Needless to say, I didn’t do a great job at actively keeping up with it. Writing about and trying to remember to take pictures of things I do when I’m bored at home just kinda messed with my flow. I have recently found it in myself that activism is a route I wish to follow in my life. The word “activist” makes me want to roll my eyes, if that’s what you’re thinking too. I’m not planning on pushing liberal beliefs on everyone, I just hope to shed light on real issues going on around us that most people have no clue about. I wasn’t even aware of how much I didn’t know until recently. I’m going to start using my blog to share articles that strike a place in my heart, as well as easy ways to give back to the world. I hope to not only be able to educate myself further, but to help others in educated themselves as well.

This post stemmed from reading about the speech Emma Watson gave to the U.N. about feminism, the White House’s new sexual assault campaign, and the following article about domestic violence in the world: http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/09/10/3565601/domestic-violence-cost/

The end of the article reads, “This whole culture for so long has put the onus on the woman. What were you wearing? What did you say? What did you do to provoke? That is never the appropriate question.”

I LOVE that there are movements finally happening to let men both actively and passively stand up for women. In past articles and studies I’ve read, an alarming number of women think about half of the women who say they’ve been assaulted are just “crying wolf because they can” when, in fact, only a very small percentage have lied. And like most cases, the few “bad ones” give the honest ones a bad rep. Women have been standing up for women since the beginning, it’s great to see a growth in actual organizational movements for men to stand up for women as well. Women are the abusers as well in rising numbers of cases as well. I believe in everyone standing up for everyone.

As I was reading about these topics, I wanted to know what I could do. Well, the biggest start is to help raise awareness–without scaring people off. I’m not the kind of person that finds something and wants to rub it everyone’s face until they crumble and agree. I believe in person freedoms, but I know that ignorance stands in the way of so much potential (including my own, for a long time). I am very excited to actively educate myself and try to see both sides to every story. Little victories add up!

I came across this website last week, in which you can choose what cause to support for everything that you purchase. My first purchase was a red bracelet (https://thehungersite.greatergood.com/store/ths/item/54930/red-thread-movement-bracelet?source=10-1146235001-1) for the Red Thread Movement, which “provides life-saving income for a Nepalese girl rescued from a life of slavery along the Nepal-India border,” among other things. I shopped through the Hunger site, and the shopping cart shows how many cups of food each item funds. One $5 bracelet that helps girls saved from human trafficking also buys 50 cups of food. WHY DIDN’T I KNOW ABOUT THIS BEFORE?! I know people have reservations about things like this, and I understand. I don’t expect all of you to go buy something. It’s just something that made me feel great, and maybe someone reading this will too.

Happy Tuesday!

-Bee

Is it possible to be TOO nice?

I work at a hardware store in a sales position. I rely on our drivers to take all of my deliveries, and I rely on the receiving people to pull the products I ordered for customers. I know by the way yesterday went that today is going to be very busy for the drivers and I need receiving to stay on my best side possible. Plus, I genuinely like these people that I work with. So, on my way to work, I picked up a Box O Joe from Dunking Donuts for everyone in the receiving area to share (plus a few others around the store that I actually consider friends). Here are the responses I got:

“Wow. What is that? Why?”

“How much do I owe you?”

“Who brought this? You? Why?”

“I can have some? Are you sure? Thanks!”

“Really? That’s so nice. This place doesn’t deserve this.”

“You’re too considerate for these people.”

“You brought this? Don’t do this again. No one here deserves this.”

“Oh really?! Wow. Ok.”

 

WHAT THE HELL. I didn’t do it for a million “thank you”s or any recognition at all. I just knew today had the potential of being a really long day for quite a few people. And it’s Friday. And I wanted coffee for myself, too. Has the world really gotten so cynical that when someone does something considerate, it’s CRAZY and WEIRD?! It would be one thing if I was a rude person, but (as far as I’ve heard) everyone thinks I’m nice anyhow. Was this really that big of a stretch? NO. IT WASN’T. Now stop talking, drink your free, delicious coffee, and have a good day.

/endrant

 

The 5 Movies You Should Actually Watch After a Breakup

I recently did a search on movies to watch after/during a breakup. They all had the same set of movies and honestly, I disagree with most of them. They’re all movies about relationships failing. That’s not what I want to watch. Relationships are the last thing I want to think about. The point of watching a movie right now is to forget about things and enjoy sitting alone (even though alone is the last thing I want to be.) Funny movies sound like a good option, but sometimes imagining having to sit there and be amused sounds, well, not so great. (I also have this odd fear of watching a funny movie I love when I’m down and never being able to love it again.) So here’s MY list of movies to watch and why.

1. Shrink. (2009).

Why: This has been one of my favorite movies for a few years now. It’s my go-to  “Help, I feel helpless” movie. It shows stories about multiple people (which of course intertwine at some point or another) and their struggles. A couple of the characters are dealing with death, and the reason why I can love it is because breakups sort of feel like your significant other died. It does indeed make me cry, but not in the “I will never be happy again” kind of way.

1. Shrink

2. Ordinary People. (1980).

Why:  This is similar to Shrink in that it makes me cry and the story is based around a death. It portrays real human emotion in multiple ways, and somehow listening to Mary Tyler Moore have a breakdown about something I have never felt makes me feel like I relieved some pent-up emotion I can’t relate to.

2. Ordinary People

3. American Psycho. (2000.)

Why: At least your ex isn’t a psychopath that cut you up. And it’s just a good movie (in the dark sort of way).  While watching the sex scenes might make you feel oddly lonely at first, they make you want to keep yourself together before jumping towards the first guy that wants to take you to dinner, or the first that says says something creepy to you at a bar, or the guy that you think is just being funny but is actually telling the truth.

3. American Psycho

4. Side Effects. (2013).

Why: It follows a woman going through depression, and taking antidepressants. The plot twist, though! The plot twist! It will leave you feeling weird and confused and probably awful–but at least YOU haven’t reached that level. Am I right?! Suspenseful enough to keep you distracted for 100 minutes, disturbing enough to keep you from thinking about anything else the rest of the night.

4. Side Effects

5.  Girl, Interrupted. (1999).

Why: There’s nothing I love more when I’m feeling down than to watch other people doing worse than I am. I can’t be the only one. Plus, we’re talking about Angelina Jolie and Winona Ryder.

5. Girl Interrupted

Now go distract yourself! Be sad if you need to be sad, just don’t go as insane as these beautifully disturbed people 🙂

The Breakup Diet: Heartache the Healthier Way

Going through a breakup is one of the most emotionally draining things life can throw at you. As if things couldn’t be more difficult, you have to worry about food. Yes, WORRY about it. First, there are the somewhat “more expected” over-eaters. Chocolates and cookies and fried everything. Sure, it’s not the healthiest, but it passes. Then there are people like me, who tend to unintentionally stop eating almost all together. It’s not that I don’t WANT to eat… it’s that I CAN’T eat. Sometimes food looks appetizing, and sometimes the idea of eating sounds good, but mostly food looks and smells gross and the idea of putting anything in my twisting stomach sounds painful.

If you absolutely cannot get anything solid down, start with something like SlimFast or a protein shake mix–anything with vitamins and protein to help keep your body functioning. It’s definitely strange to buy a diet drink when you’re already not eating, but you gotta do what you gotta do! Forget about judgments (which were my biggest hurdle buying them). Something is better than nothing.

Take baby steps. Literally. I actually turned to baby food once. I found it disgusting, personally. It’s possible I just chose the wrong flavor? Applesauce and pudding are similar, and meant for adults. But baby food doesn’t have as much sugar, if that’s something you’re worried about.

This part is no surprise–eat SOFT foods. Non-acidic fruits are best, such as bananas. I’m a huge fan of any cereal soaked in milk until it’s all soggy. Honey Nut Cheerios are my favorite, next to Frosted Flakes and Rice Krispies. (They just get soggier faster.) Again, cereals that are too sugary –while at least getting something solid in your stomach–sort of defeats the purpose of trying to stay healthy. Breads and rice are good also. They may sit too heavy as first, but the bland-ness is key.

At first, you probably don’t want to do much of anything, especially spend energy actually preparing food. But once you feel adventurous, it’s nice to get your mind off things by making smoothies. Very small victory, I know. My favorite recipe regardless of circumstances is: 1 banana, spinach, 1 clementine, 5 (ish) strawberries, orange juice, and cranapple juice. Sometimes I add blueberries, blackberries, or grapes. But this is the tastiest way to get some healthy vitamin and minerals and fill you up.

Supplements:

Take a daily multivitamin to keep up with what you’re losing from not eating correctly. Especially if you take one daily anyhow, you’ll need to keep your immune system going!

I recently discovered there is a multivitamin called “Daily Energy” from CVS (maybe others as well) that are amazing! Feeling sluggish happens to everyone–but especially an emotionally-drained and malnourished female. Honestly, I didn’t expect it to do much but from the first mid-day dose I could notice a difference. Life savers!!

I also recently discovered melatonin. I have been having sleep issues the last few weeks regardless, and I wish I knew about this sooner. I knocks me right out when I need it.

Lastly, drink tea! I’m a huge fan of Yogi teas, especially the Kava Stress Relief. There are others such as Relaxed Mind, Bedtime, Calming, Positive Energy, St. John’s Wort Blues Away, Stomach Ease, etc that can help.

So while you’re wallowing in your emotions–which is perfectly acceptable–remember that you still need to function! Your health is the most important thing you have, so you need to keep it. As hard as it is to not care and let your twisting stomach win, at least choose some way to get vitamins into your body until you can eat normally again.